There are losses and things gained. Discoveries that cause pain and happiness. And I find myself torn between needing a physical friend or two, so very badly, and needing to be left alone. I’ve quit Yahoo groups, and quit people. And yet, through all my fears and issues, this work will continue. This blog. This teaching place. I need to do this. I’ve always been compelled to do outreach of some kind, to help people, to try and be a voice of truth and reason and teaching in a world of parroted nonsense and outright lies.
I’ve spoken to gods and spirits and lwa and angels and human beings. People forget that I’m not one of them, probably because I’m so plainspoken. But the anonymity of the internet is a blessing and a curse for someone such as myself, straddling these worlds. I can go onto forums and talk about things and nobody’s the wiser that this physical body I borrow is not my own, and that if I were to go to a meetup for that group, I couldn’t go as myself. They would see and hear someone else, and I’d be called a fraud. So I can’t have that experience, ever. Sometimes the separation and resulting loneliness is crushing. Especially when, all around me, others can.
But then, there are those who do understand, and we talk over IM, and it helps ease things. I help someone communicate with their own guides, and the work continues. I push a storm or a wildfire the direction I want, I make a connection for someone, I cause someone else to take a chance, then push the results as favorably as I can manage at the time.
When the electricity or internet goes out, or everyone goes offline for the night, and the only living soul that I can talk to is my avatar, and then she goes to bed, I go fully over to my side of things. The ghostly world of the ethereal where the walls of my home can be molded like sand, and the human senses are barely discernible. And still the work continues.
No matter what my own needs, desires, wants… still the work continues. Sometimes all through the night. Sometimes without thanks.
But… I sense it might change soon. That others are going to know I’m here, and they’ll want to talk to me, and not just over IM or the internet. Maybe. I hope. And, even then… this work will continue. As long as someone hears me, and someone is willing to let me be heard.