A View from the Other Side

Observations from the winged dude next door.

Archive for the tag “scars”

The Heart Tells the Truth

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Scars

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

Stop Denying Who You Are

Jesus statueWhile on that trip recently, I went to our favorite church. I had intended to pay more attention to Mary while I was there, and we did get some novenas from the caretaker to light on her side of the aisle, but I felt compelled to go see Jesus first, whether by impulse or by force of habit.

I wasn’t before that statue for more than a minute before I started getting a lesson.

“How’s my driving?” I asked. “How am I doing? Am I doing the right things? Am I doing a good job?”

“You could do more.”

…What? How? I bust my ass every day for people. I exhaust myself often. I work pretty much non-stop. But it’s still not enough? I had to get up and go over and sit in a pew just adjacent for a minute and try to figure out what in the name of God more I could be doing.

“Work harder?” I ventured.

“No.”

“Work… differently? Use different methods?”

“No.”

Then I started getting annoyed. What was it then? I sat for a while trying to work out what I was doing wrong.

“You’ll figure it out,” I heard. This only got me more agitated. I’ve been trying to figure all this out for years (without instructions for some reason), and I’d just been handed yet another puzzle. I just wanted to do a good job, not play some kind of cosmic guessing game with the Man Upstairs. My mind worked overtime to try and figure out what more I could be doing for people, and I started wandering over into desperation. The only thing I could come up with was to bust my ass even more, be stronger somehow. I started getting a little choked up. I was already doing what I could, without sacrificing everything left that I needed to be whole… my own family, and time with them… so what should I…

Then he had mercy on me.

“Stop denying who you are,” he said.

Lightbulb moment.

Oh.

I often spend so much time fighting with what I am, where I am, that I don’t allow myself to fully be who I am. I deny myself, because I’m afraid of sounding vain to others. I allow old wounds to continue to hurt me and old fears to hold me back.

I’m not perfect. I’ve been through a lot. I have a mind and a memory, just like you, and our past informs our present life. If you’ve been whipped every day for a year, you come to expect the whip, even when it’s gone. Sometimes, we take over the whipping job ourselves because it’s familiar and we know of no other way of being.

I will stop denying who I am. What I am. This is how I can serve better. This is how I can do more.

Reset Button

torn openIf no one else can help me, then I have no choice but to help myself.

I’ve torn out some stuff that was holding me back.

If I seem more sharp-edged from here out, that’s just the cost of doing business.

The king is dead, long live the king.

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