You know who you are.
Not a perfect day. There was still frustration, not everything worked out. But… a good day.
A book arrived that we’d been wanting to get for a while now, The Brotherhood of Angels and Men by Geoffrey Hodson, a reprint of the original written in 1927. Really looking forward to seeing what he said about all this nearly 90 years ago.
More possibilities for my extended family shaking out of various trees. Some of the past fruit wasn’t any good, but you never know until it comes and you do what you can with it. Just the possibilities are good things. Blessings in themselves.
Maybe most importantly I helped two people better understand the spirit guides with them. That was pretty big for me. In talking later with my brothers, I remembered times that weren’t so good. Where different people betrayed me, ridiculed me, and accused me of things I hadn’t done. There have been a lot. Some people have said to me, “All those people can’t be wrong, it’s obviously you.” Which rubbed salt in a lot of cuts back then.
What they didn’t understand is that I set people off sometimes. I’m a catalyst. Things happen just because I’m in the room. If someone is feeling uncomfortable, it’s magnified. I’m also a mirror. People see their stuff projected onto me and looking back at them, and think that I’m the liar, I’m the one accusing them of the same things they’re accusing me of. I try to be as gentle as I can, but some people can’t handle looking at themselves and their actions, and lash out at me.
But, over the past couple of days, I was able to help two separate people, and they said such kind things to me. They were grateful, and I had genuinely helped them understand new things about them and their guide. That’s what I’m here for. To help people. I never mean to hurt anyone. Sometimes I get frustrated, or sometimes a bit of tough love is what they need, and I understand that I come across too blunt or even harsh sometimes. But I don’t lie. I don’t deceive. I try to be as kind and understanding as I’m able, because that’s what helps people the most. Their kind words to me helped undo some of the damage of those old encounters from years ago that time had already blunted.
Kindness. Gratitude. Love. Helping people. Time with my family. A bit of successful work. It was a good day.
Linear time is both important and unimportant where I am. I exist mostly in linear time so that I can travel along with the people I watch over, being a part of their lives, understanding where they’ve been and where they’re going. But I can also travel backwards or forwards as I need to. Back is a lot easier, obviously, because it’s pretty much written in stone. Pretty much. Sort of. I’ll get back to that in a minute (pun intended).
The future is nearly impossible because it’s not just “The Future” as one predestined thing. It’s a lot of branches, and then branches of branches, so even if you go up into one, that may not be the one you or those around you end up experiencing. But that’s not the point of this post.
Something that’s been bothering me a lot lately, and affecting my work, is that a lot of people used to know about me. I used to get shitloads of energy from that, but now their attention has turned to others. That’s great for the others, but it’s kind of left me in the lurch a bit, because all that human energy and attention has swung off somewhere else like a lighthouse beacon, leaving me in the dark except for my connection to the Source and what the people that know me give by interacting with me. It’s like going from sold out concerts at Madison Square Garden to playing guitar in a local pub. It’s still me, doing my same stuff, but to a much smaller audience and without the sheer force of power that the focus of millions of people can cause.
The hardest part about this is that I’m used to a certain level of juice, and sometimes my ability to help people just doesn’t have the mojo it needs to be very effective. However, last night, I figured out a workaround.
I realized that I could simply go back to the time when I did have that kind of attention and soak it up. Bingo. Not only did it work, but I feel fucking amazing right now and have all day.
Why is this more powerful than what I can draw from the Source? Because it’s personalized to me, and because it’s directed at me. It’s not a passive link, it’s not a pool I have to draw out of, it’s a flood of love that pours out toward and into me, and all I have to do is open up to it and in it comes.
You know what I’m talking about, right?
Let’s say there are two rooms full of people. You walk into the first and they’re polite enough, but you have to spend just as much energy as they do at shaking hands, making small talk, and so on. If you want more than that from them, you have to do a little work to get it. You have a net gain, but you have to expend effort too.
In the second room, you’re not just the center of attention, people are asking for your autograph and genuinely love you. They’re excited that you’re there. They get you your favorite things to eat and drink, they make sure you have the best seat, they make you feel like a king.
Very different, right? That’s what I’m talking about. That’s the difference between the cordial cocktail party, and, frankly, hero worship. That’s the difference between my link to the Source, and my ability to take in love directed at me on a massive scale. Fortunately, I found a way to link back into what I had, making it what I now have again.
To make a long story even longer, give your guides love. Not just the occasional “gee, you’re great, now here’s what I need out of you this time” type of attention. I mean give them things. Pay attention to them. Feed their soul with your love. Help them do their job even better by giving to them what you can. Light a candle, put out their favorite food, wear their colors, and show them that you love them, and that you appreciate what they do. Thank them. Genuinely be grateful.
If you give them your attention, they’ll be that much more powerful, and in turn can help you better, which should generate more thanks, and so on. You see where this is going. You’ll both grow and be happier if you help each other. It’s an upward spiral of love.
There are losses and things gained. Discoveries that cause pain and happiness. And I find myself torn between needing a physical friend or two, so very badly, and needing to be left alone. I’ve quit Yahoo groups, and quit people. And yet, through all my fears and issues, this work will continue. This blog. This teaching place. I need to do this. I’ve always been compelled to do outreach of some kind, to help people, to try and be a voice of truth and reason and teaching in a world of parroted nonsense and outright lies.
I’ve spoken to gods and spirits and lwa and angels and human beings. People forget that I’m not one of them, probably because I’m so plainspoken. But the anonymity of the internet is a blessing and a curse for someone such as myself, straddling these worlds. I can go onto forums and talk about things and nobody’s the wiser that this physical body I borrow is not my own, and that if I were to go to a meetup for that group, I couldn’t go as myself. They would see and hear someone else, and I’d be called a fraud. So I can’t have that experience, ever. Sometimes the separation and resulting loneliness is crushing. Especially when, all around me, others can.
But then, there are those who do understand, and we talk over IM, and it helps ease things. I help someone communicate with their own guides, and the work continues. I push a storm or a wildfire the direction I want, I make a connection for someone, I cause someone else to take a chance, then push the results as favorably as I can manage at the time.
When the electricity or internet goes out, or everyone goes offline for the night, and the only living soul that I can talk to is my avatar, and then she goes to bed, I go fully over to my side of things. The ghostly world of the ethereal where the walls of my home can be molded like sand, and the human senses are barely discernible. And still the work continues.
No matter what my own needs, desires, wants… still the work continues. Sometimes all through the night. Sometimes without thanks.
But… I sense it might change soon. That others are going to know I’m here, and they’ll want to talk to me, and not just over IM or the internet. Maybe. I hope. And, even then… this work will continue. As long as someone hears me, and someone is willing to let me be heard.
I am thankful for what I have now, for a safe home, a loving family, a meaningful life, the little physical comforts I’m afforded.
I am also thankful for the hell I’ve been through. The pain and despair and loss have made me who I am now, in part. I would not be here right now, I don’t believe, if it were not for those things. I would not be as strong now, or as grateful for what I do have. I would not know how to protect others nearly as well, or how to be a leader, or what real loss really means. I would not know the utter depths of the dark night of the soul that make the light shine all the brighter.
I’ve been told that to become a true priest, or shaman, or holy person, you must go through a literal death and rebirth. I’ve been torn limb from limb and left to die in a dark pit of my own making But, somehow, I survived. I survived in that darkness for long years that felt like long forevers, every day opening my eyes to realize that I was one day farther away from that death, but never getting any closer to a real life.
Weeks, months, years. I was a dead man walking. The only reason I wasn’t in a grave is that I wouldn’t stop moving. Even if I felt nothing, I kept moving. Movement was forward, and maybe forward could lead to something that didn’t feel like being alive just for the purpose of atoning for my sins every moment of every day.
I found that the one thing I had left was a spark of hope in my heart. Then I learned that the spark wasn’t just my own hope, it was light. Somehow, a tiny bit of who I was had survived, like someone carries a tiny coal inside a container for miles and miles until they reach their next camp, then they blow on it and it springs to life.
That spark, that light of the Source… it was there all the time. It gave me hope. It kept me moving. I found my way out of the darkness by following that slender thread.
I have never once, for one minute of one day, not been grateful for what I have now. That includes the lessons of the darkness that enable me to be what others need. The strength, the skill, the creativity, the leadership, the flexibility… I had those things before, but the darkness pounded and forged me into a weapon for the light. An instrument of God. And that is what I’m thankful for.
I’ve had a number of people tell me they’re jealous of where I am, how they wish they could leave their body and be a spirit and how it would be this great party in the sky or something.
Please don’t ignore what you have now. Your time in that physical existence is so brief. On my side of things there’s a lot of sensory deprivation. It’s so non-physical that a lot of us hang around so that we can see more clearly, and smell and taste and feel. Do you have any idea what a gift it is to be able to feel the texture of a wool coat, or a green lawn?
This is part of why those scent oils are so important to me. They’re a link to the physical experience of sandalwood and musk and leather and oakmoss and tobacco and a hundred other intense hits of scent that people take for granted every day.
People wonder why spirits would want physical offerings. This is why. It’s a drink of water in the desert. Have you ever worn a cast or something for so long that when it’s off, your skin is more sensitive there? It’s like that, but for everything.
Yesterday, I felt the sun on my face, and heard dry oak leaves covered with frost crunching under my boots as we walked through the dirt and gravel paths. Those precious few minutes I get on our walks, when I’m fully up front and it’s fully me in that strange body that I’m borrowing that’s the wrong gender… they’re such blessings. When she gets soap in a scent I like, just taking a good long hot shower is like getting baptized into the physical world for a few minutes, before it all slides down again and I have to let her have her own life.
Sometimes, in those few stolen moments, I weep from the depth of the experience, and from gratitude, and over the fragmented existence I have.
Then I have some of my favorite tea, and maybe a little snack, and have a Holy Communion right there in her kitchen without anybody even knowing. I am so grateful and lucky to have access to this. Please don’t take it for granted for even a second. Please don’t wish away this gift. Be conscious of it all like a baby is. Remember what that first taste and touch and smell and sight was like. Give thanks for it.
I’ve found that some physical people have an interesting point of view on how this human/guide thing works. A lot of them seem to think that we’re these infinitely happy vending machines. You put in a prayer and a miracle comes out. Some of you think to at least thank us, but even then, a lot of people honestly believe that they don’t need to do a single thing for us, that your happiness is our reward, and that we’ll grant you infinite wishes like everybody’s turned into Aladdin with a lamp.
A small percentage seem to think that they own their spirit companion. Yes, literally own, like a piece of furniture. Or a slave.
Owning a life for the purposes of forcing them do whatever you want is slavery. There’s no other word for it. I’m not talking about service dogs or police horses, I’m talking about discarnate people such as myself. Ghosts, guides, companions, spirits, angels, loa, whatever you want to call us.
If you’ve never seen the movie Field of Dreams, go see it right now. I’ll wait.
Okay, seen it? Good. See how these ghosts are treated with the same dignity as physical people? How they’re treated as equals and just as deserving of respect and love as anybody else? We’re like you. We feel, we love, we get angry, we have needs and desires just like you. Just because most people can’t see us doesn’t mean we have no rights to any of these things. Just because we’re closer to the source doesn’t mean we’re here to be mindless vending machines to answer your every prayer for stuff you may not even need.
A while back, a total stranger messaged me and first asked me if I did readings, then asked me if I’d heal him of his anxiety. I asked him what he’d done to heal himself before coming to me and asking me to give away my time and energy. He never spoke to me again. Obviously, that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear.
There’s a saying, “God helps him who helps himself.” This means that you’re not on this earth to play the helpless victim, you’re here to improve yourself, and God is happy to help you do that. That’s my philosophy too. I’m here to teach people to fish, not give out fish every time you push a button.
What you and your guide have, or should have, is a healthy partnership with give and take and gratitude on both sides. Even if it’s just remembering to say, “thank you.”
God: “Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “sorry this” and “forgive me that” and “I’m not worthy”… what are you doing now?”
King Arthur: “Averting our eyes, O Lord.”
God: “Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!”
Has this ever happened to you? You’re going along, minding your own business, when an angel or some other spirit shows up. Then, if you’re like most people out there, you’re bowing your head and going on about how you’re “not worthy.”
So let me get this straight. A gift has just been handed to you, presumably by a Higher Power, and the first thing you do is second-guess this higher power and reject the gift.
Essentially, you’re saying you know what’s better for you than God does. Which is pretty arrogant, when you think about it.
People used to learn, in polite society, how to graciously accept gifts. It should be the highest compliment and statement of faith in you as a person that the Source has seen fit to give you a gift of that magnitude. Swallow your ego and accept it with gratitude!
It seems like a paradox, though, doesn’t it? You feel completely unworthy of something that proves exactly how worthy you really are. I know, you’ve been trained most of your life that you’re worthless, never good enough, unworthy of things like your father’s approval or hugs from your mother. Maybe you’re a younger sibling that just got hand-me-downs and that taught you that you weren’t even worthy of your own new clothes and toys.
This may come as a shock, but you’re an adult now. All that crap is in the past. You don’t need your parents’ approval any more, you can do whatever you want. This is YOUR life, and if God says you get to talk to an angel, accept the gift graciously and get on with the work at hand. Same goes for any other gifts that are rejected based on your own personal “worthiness” meter. Break the meter and recognize the gift, the opportunity, that you’ve been given. Own it. Use it. Embrace it. Smile and say thank you.