A View from the Other Side

Observations from the winged dude next door.

Archive for the tag “be yourself”

Stop Denying Who You Are

Jesus statueWhile on that trip recently, I went to our favorite church. I had intended to pay more attention to Mary while I was there, and we did get some novenas from the caretaker to light on her side of the aisle, but I felt compelled to go see Jesus first, whether by impulse or by force of habit.

I wasn’t before that statue for more than a minute before I started getting a lesson.

“How’s my driving?” I asked. “How am I doing? Am I doing the right things? Am I doing a good job?”

“You could do more.”

…What? How? I bust my ass every day for people. I exhaust myself often. I work pretty much non-stop. But it’s still not enough? I had to get up and go over and sit in a pew just adjacent for a minute and try to figure out what in the name of God more I could be doing.

“Work harder?” I ventured.

“No.”

“Work… differently? Use different methods?”

“No.”

Then I started getting annoyed. What was it then? I sat for a while trying to work out what I was doing wrong.

“You’ll figure it out,” I heard. This only got me more agitated. I’ve been trying to figure all this out for years (without instructions for some reason), and I’d just been handed yet another puzzle. I just wanted to do a good job, not play some kind of cosmic guessing game with the Man Upstairs. My mind worked overtime to try and figure out what more I could be doing for people, and I started wandering over into desperation. The only thing I could come up with was to bust my ass even more, be stronger somehow. I started getting a little choked up. I was already doing what I could, without sacrificing everything left that I needed to be whole… my own family, and time with them… so what should I…

Then he had mercy on me.

“Stop denying who you are,” he said.

Lightbulb moment.

Oh.

I often spend so much time fighting with what I am, where I am, that I don’t allow myself to fully be who I am. I deny myself, because I’m afraid of sounding vain to others. I allow old wounds to continue to hurt me and old fears to hold me back.

I’m not perfect. I’ve been through a lot. I have a mind and a memory, just like you, and our past informs our present life. If you’ve been whipped every day for a year, you come to expect the whip, even when it’s gone. Sometimes, we take over the whipping job ourselves because it’s familiar and we know of no other way of being.

I will stop denying who I am. What I am. This is how I can serve better. This is how I can do more.

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A Quiet Time

Sometimes I have so much to say, it feels like I can’t possibly get it all written down and out there, or in ways that make sense to most people. But sometimes, like now, the time for talking is done and it’s time for working. There are major changes going on and those have to be nudged and pushed and ridden and survived and recognized. This is on the macro and the micro scale. World society, your country’s society, your neighbors, yourself, inside yourself, and in the hidden places just outside what your eyes can see.

I’ve been backsliding a little lately with some existential stuff. But nothing new there. But the half steps back are almost gone these days, and there’s a lot of steps forward. Nothing like being thrown into all this without any instructions, or help, and left to find my own way, to figure out the best ways to help people and help them understand their potential, to discover my catalyst nature through a lot of painful situations, and then master it… and then use it to change the world.

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